Feeling very low at the moment. My brain refused to turn off last night for worrying about things and feeling a bit cast out – I spent the day in the cafe, and it was great to catch up with everybody and cheer on Michelle for her book signing, but at the same time I felt so sad that the place is not mine any more. It has changed so much and so fast (a sign that Jo is doing damn well I guess) that it is as if my existence there, and all my work, everything I built up, has been erased already. I know this isn’t really the case but at 3am it really upsets me.
I’ve handed in my PhD, so that is over with too. Everything is winding itself up: the cafe, university, even the year! I am really looking forward to Christmas this year, but right now I just want things to Hurry Up and Happen. This last few weeks of being eye-wateringly broke and hanging around in Darlington with even less to keep me sane than usual is slowly sapping the life out of me.
I can’t wait to get out of here
Away from dog turds, used condoms and broken glass on the pavement
Away from people who shout at you and spit and throw things just because you dress a bit different
Away from over-budget roundabouts built at the expense of cycle paths
Away from seven police call-outs in a year
Away from idiots asking your neighbours to borrow a crowbar to help them steal your bike
Away from those who help themselves to toddlers’ piggy banks
Away from selfish,short-sighted xenophobic foreign policy, austerity-for-all-but-the-rich economic mismanagement, and Call-Me-Dave CamerWrong
To where the boarded-up window and empty shop ratio isn’t so high
Where childcare costs do not exceed your monthly salary
Where is is not socially acceptable to keep a HORSE on an allotment.
Where half an inch of snow does not cause total infrastructure meltdown
Where people do not feel the need to tuck their tracksuit bottoms into their socks, even when its -20C outside
I can’t wait.